It’s done: you have met him somewhere, on the Internet, through friends, at work, and the first date has been agreed on. This question is of course always extremely important for women: What should I wear? Which outfit is best suited for the first date?

Your clothes should express exactly what you expect from him. Perhaps you are only thinking of spending a spectacular evening/night with him, or perhaps he is that dream man you have been waiting for and you can easily imagine yourself in a relationship with. If there is only sex on your mind, then you should also send out signals accordingly: sexy and tight clothes, a low neckline, etc. But if you intend to win him over as a boy-friend for a stable relationship, the strategy to get into his bed is not the best one. In this case your clothes should show that you have style, that you can dress attractively, but not too sexy. As we have seen in What Men Really Want, a woman’s faithfulness is an important prerequisite for men, and if they take her to bed already on the first date, they will presume (whether this is true or not) that she does this often and also with many men, and that she will go on doing so. This is signalled by overly sexy clothing, resulting in a reduction of the “value” of the woman for a stable relationship. Our tip: dress in a good and tasteful manner, with attention to detail. How this ends is of course something absolutely personal for every woman, but she can always ask for assistance from her best friend or the sales woman at the shop or department store, who will usually give very good advice on what fits and what doesn’t.

All the important attributes that an attractive woman should have can also be expressed over clothing. Just go through the list in What Men Really Want, review it point by point and improve your style of dress accordingly, and you will find the perfect outfit for your first date. As the only thing you have to mind is your goal (just sex or a stable relationship, there is nothing else but these two), dressing perfectly is a very easy exercise indeed.

One of the hardest things for women is to recognize whether he is the right one. Of course, every woman must be aware of what her right man looks like. Is she looking for fun only, or for a man to have a long relationship with? What qualities are really important, and how does one recognize them on a first date with him?

As a woman, you should first turn to your inner self and consider this question: what do I want from a man? The answer is of course very different from woman to woman and not so easy to find, because – as we have seen in What Women Really Want those characteristics that women are looking for in men, often end up by standing in their own way. Am I looking for a Brad Pitt, then he won’t be the friendly providing kind of men I also want. Have I found such a provider, he will of course not be such an exciting chap, perhaps a little paunchy, when what I’ve been looking for all the time is also a good-looking man. Therefore, as a woman, when looking at the man in front of you, you should consider what you are looking for and how he fits into the picture. Not so easy, is it?

The first thing that helps is taking off those “pink glasses” and saying goodbye to your dream-man image. The dream man is in fact exactly what the name implies: just a dream. He does not exist actually. To wait and to look for him is a strategy that will necessarily backfire, because by doing so, you are losing exactly what men are looking for in a woman (What Men Really Want), namely youth and health. This sounds pretty harsh, but unfortunately it works this way. Who doesn’t know the frustrated single woman in her mid-thirties who is still waiting for her Mr. Right?

If, as a woman, your thoughts about this matter are clear, and you also know what men are looking for, you can move out into the world in a relatively easily way and find the right chap for you. The closer you stay to reality – see the links within this text – and the more clearly you know what you want, the easier it will be.

How will you know that he is the right one, then? Women are in possession of a really great tool to help them, one that they should also use: their gut feeling. This should of course not be taken as a strict rule of thumb so that the man is abandoned already at the smallest sign of a problem, but in case of more intense strange feelings, it will be time to turn away and look for another one. It is also helpful to think about the mistakes made in the past and to be quite aware that they shouldn’t be repeated. This sounds very easy but is in fact particularly difficult, because unconsciously one incurs the same stupid things again and again: we are simply human beings.

We know those cool blokes standing there with sunglasses or at least that cool evil eye, a cigarette in their mouth, one hand in the pocket of their trousers types from films and television. Cool. This is obviously something attractive, and women find it quite cool. But here is the bad news for 99% of all men: this scheme does not work for you! Why not? Because this coolness which combines both that perfect look and bad-boy lifestyle is not available to most men. What can be done then?

It is quite easy: We men have to forget everything that has to do with being ”cool” and make ourselves attractive according to our real conditions, so that no woman will be able to say “no” any more. It’s not that difficult, because it is not only those cool dudes that are found attractive, but all those who meet the points indicated in What Women Really Want. How this finally turns out in the individual is a very personal thing, but as said, being “cool” mostly leads men into embarrassing situations rather than to having success with women.

Because women have a 7th sense for men who are trying to act up on them, and this is particularly true for those blokes who are playing a role that doesn’t suit them. Quite often we hear women saying that what they are looking for, is a man who is “just himself”, and these words are not simply idle talk. A woman can’t obviously give you clear advice about what exactly this means for her, but you will fortunately find enough info on this subject here on my blog.

So, if cool is rather embarrassing, what can you do so in order to appear authentic and attractive?  Something that most men find incredibly difficult to do, but which is actually incredibly easy, is just to smile! Have fun! Don’t take yourself too seriously!  This way you will be much closer to your “real” self than by using a “cool” scheme uncovered by women in just a few seconds, and which they consider really awful.

The path to her heart, her bed or any other domain of a woman is not by way of coolness and a dirty look which you believe to be particularly attractive. Quite the contrary. A man with a sense of humour is so much more attractive: women look for men with a sense of humour. The way this works has been already described in detail in Having Fun on the First Date.

For men, one of the most important things on the first date is to have fun. Real fun, actual happy positive fun. Because this is the reason for our existence as men: to provide positive experiences to all people in our lives, especially women. Is this some weird new-age hippie bullshit? Of course not. Nobody wants to deal with other people and have negative experiences with them. Perhaps there are some who do, people with a difficult childhood or other psychological problems. Otherwise, everybody wants to have fun -and lots of it- in their daily lives, in dealing with the opposite sex and especially on a date.

This is not just because it is nice and provides us with happier feelings, but in fact there are very deep psychological reasons for this, reasons that lead back -once again- to the foundations of attractiveness. An attractive man finds fun in life, in everything he does, with everybody who is around him. Therefore he shows that desired self-confidence, dominance, aggressiveness and all other very male qualities. He never takes the world -and above all himself- too seriously and enjoys his life. Such a man can offer a woman just the kind of life she is looking for, because he has the potential to deal with problems the right way, and it is also fun to be around him.

To be positive is therefore totally attractive – because who feels the desire to spend time with a whiny loser? Nobody. And women even less. A date should be something easy and not something stressful, always on the positive side, and this is naturally managed best with fun and humour. That does not mean that you should play the clown, because such a clown is not only unattractive, but slips immediately into the category of “friend”, from which there is hardly a way out. You can find a few tips in proper conversation topics for the First Date, especially those things that men must absolutely avoid on a date.

The most important tip for having fun on the first date is therefore quite simple: a man should amuse himself and not play solely the role of entertainer for her. Because men have to avoid giving the impression that they want or expect something from her, or that they are trying to get her approval by using cheap tricks. A man makes jokes from a position of dominance, but remains relaxed all the while. This is something incredibly attractive for women. That’s why we keep reading in all surveys, online profiles and interviews with women, that the “right man” has to have a sense of humour. And practice makes perfect is valid here again, i.e. we must learn to apply the “right” humour when chatting on the Internet, talking to other people and flirting with women, and this is something that doesn’t come by itself.

Flirting signals received from men represent a very interesting issue for women. Because men often send out absolutely obscure and unclear signals. On one hand there is that coy glancing at her and looking immediately away when “caught” (see also: Men’s flirting signals). On the other hand, there is that passivity usually shown by men: she has already sent him about a thousand signals, and the result? He does absolutely nothing in return, not even a simple smile. And actually he is very interested. Unbelievable, isn’t it?

What’s going on here? In first place, the real problem is that he fears a rebuff, and this fear represents a much bigger issue for men than for women. Women are used to being introduced to many men and having to choose among them, so there is less chance of introducing themselves to a man and being rebuffed. For this reason, the fear of rejection is much higher among men, causing them not to dare to approach a woman or to take the next step. Therefore they send no further signals, and especially those “modern” men who have been taught all their lives to be passive and nice, have huge problems in sending women the right signals. A simple smile is already quite a strong signal, representing a huge step for a man. In second place, men think that they should not be nice and friendly when trying to attract women, because after all, women are supposed to want only cool characters, and these don’t smile.

How should signals coming from the behaviour of such men be read then? As a woman, you have to pay a lot of attention: has he glanced at me again? Is he staying close to me or in my field of vision? Do his friends look at me now and again? These are already really good signs of his interest. A woman in whom a man has no interest at all is completely invisible to him, so he won’t even take another glance at her. Almost everything else can be considered by you, as a woman, as a sign of interest.

And now comes the question of whether you should continue sending out flirting signals to a man who stays passive, who doesn’t even recognize the signals, but who is clearly showing interest in you as a woman? This is not so easy to answer, because on one side, a woman wants to get a “real” man but on the other, we live in a society that has managed to drive masculinity out of most men (i.e. things such as initiative, courage, aggressiveness) and now we must live with the consequences, that is, with shy, passive men who are really nice and friendly, but just too shy to approach a woman.

I keep receiving questions, all of them resulting in the same issue: a man on a train, in a pub, disco, etc., notices that a woman is showing clear interest in him.  But she doesn’t approach him nor makes any effort otherwise to meet him. What’s going on?

There may be three different reasons for this behaviour:

1. She simply doesn’t dare
2. She is only vaguely interest
3. She is waiting for him to approach her

In today’s society, women have become more active and are allowed to take the initiative in approaching men and in fact they do so. Nevertheless, we keep finding women who are still shy of taking the imitative, especially when they are not quite sure whether the man is worth the risk of being rejected. In this case shyness is a good excuse as any. Besides, she has sent plenty of strong signals in his direction, hasn’t she?

But these are rather superficial reasons for not being able to or wanting to address him. Because the most important reason is quite simple: she is a woman and as such, expects to be approached by the man. Just because he is a man! And there are no valid excuses, no invoking of “modern times” or other stuff to blame: it is the man’s role to approach a woman, taking the initiative and acting self-confidently. Should he not act this way, he looks just less manly in her eyes, spoiling many chances for himself, even if she finally finds the courage to speak to him. As we have already said, no matter how modern we are, what counts are the points mentioned in “What women really want!”.  If, as men, we do not act this way, we won’t be making just a small mistake, but a really big one indeed.

What does the lack of action say about a man?  That he is unattractive because he is not aggressive and confident, because he does not take the initiative. He will probably not be able to take care of me in the future, because he doesn’t perceive his duties as a man, namely to protect, to be strong, etc. He expects me to take the initiative all the time, even when I don’t feel like doing so most of the time. He is a boring individual and not brave at all; in short, there is nothing that I, as a woman, can expect of him. He may be quite nice, or even good-looking, but that is just not enough.

So, my advice for any man who is wondering why a woman doesn’t approach him in spite of the more than obvious flirting signals and interest shown is: Be a man and talk to her! Anything else leads to absolutely nowhere.

I heard an interesting and really bad story this week that gave me much food for thought: Mark (29) has been seeing Liane (25) for a couple of months. They live in different cities and visit now and then. They have sex together, eat out, go to the cinema and hit it off quite well. When she last visited him, the conversation turned to their relationship, and she wanted to know “what exactly their relationship is”. So far, this would have been a perfectly normal story, but she added “Don’t worry, whatever you say is ok.”

Most women will probably think: “well, that’s not so bad, there is nothing to be so alarmed about.” But in fact there is, and on many levels. If “whatever you say” is in fact correct, then it means that theoretically anything is ok, from breaking up to marriage. If all of this is really ok for her, then she is a rather strange woman, isn’t she?

But the truth is that “whatever you say” is in fact not ok, because Liane is actually in love with Mark. The problem is that she does not dare to ask more from him because she simply doesn’t know if he only likes her or if he feels something deeper for her, and she wants to protect herself from a possible negative answer and spend more time with him. She wants to be nice and make answering more easy to him, because she hopes that without pressure he might enter into a deeper relationship, etc. etc. Whatever she had in mind, whether self-protection or strategy, it didn’t work.

The real effect was to lose all chances with him except for occasional sex. He was not able to express this accurately, but she immediately lost attractiveness in his eyes and suddenly became less valuable to him. He now feels hardly any wish to see her: at most only for a few hours whenever he feels like meeting her.

It would have been better to say clearly and distinctly what was really on her mind. Had she shown that she would have liked to spend more time with him and that they should simply evaluate at some time or other whether a more formal relationship might develop. Of course, she would have been in danger of receiving a “no” as reply, but with “whatever you say is ok” she blocked any chances she might have had of getting anything else from him than just sex or some meaningless easy dates with no possible future.

Much more can be achieved through open communication, insistence in taking the relationship to the next level, or simply being content with the current situation, than by over-cautious relativisation of one’s own wishes. “Whatever you say is ok” is not ok under any circumstances!

The worst thing that may happen on a first date is that the conversation peters out and you suddenly do not know what to say. There is of course a whole range of strategies to get over this problem or still better, to simply avoid getting into this situation.

While the ideal conversation topic for a date simply does not exist (What Do I Talk About on the First Date), it really does help if you prepare yourself in advance and think a little about how to lead an interesting conversation with other people. There is quite a lot of literature available on this topic: classic examples with continuing success are “How To Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie (http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346) and “How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships” by Leil Lowndes (http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X).

Especially Carnegie points out something that is immensely important in every conversation: having an honest interest in the other person. Spending long minutes staring at her boobs is not only stupid but will also destroy any chances you have with her. The questions you should ask on a date are those arising from a sincere interest – which is very easy, because if you are really interested in her and her life, the questions will come up by themselves, with no effort at all on your part, and all of a sudden you will notice that you have created a mutual feeling of having a special connection between you. And this happens without any tricks at all, and on top, with a lot of fun for you.

The point is -of course- not to conduct an interview, but to be as casual and natural as possible. The conversation has to develop by itself. You take up something mentioned a few moments ago and build up on it, step by step. What is most attractive is to show that you are interested, but without taking everything being said too seriously, amusing yourself at the same time.

We can therefore conclude that such a conversation is always a balancing act, switching back and forth from humour to seriousness, with a little arrogance thrown in-between. An exciting situation arises with is never boring but very interesting and funny, is generated this way. Serious issues and discussions should be avoided. Also never try to be the entertaining clown, because it is very difficult to get rid of this unattractive image, and it will be very difficult to take control of the conversation again.

The saying “Practice makes perfect” also holds true here: whoever is able to converse with the janitor, the boss, the neighbours or the fellow passengers on a train, can do the same with the woman of his dreams.

A clear and rotund NO for starters. Why should you buy something for her on the first date? To make a “good” impression and be especially nice? You will find out what women really want here. There is no mention at all about a “gift” in the list, and for good reason. If you bring something for her on a first date, it will seem that your mere presence as a man is not sufficient, and therefore, not having enough good qualities by yourself, you desperately needed to bring additional gifts with you to win her over.

Conversely this means that gifts are even something bad to bring on a first date! Because gifts are a proof of having less self-confidence. Nothing of what you have to have in order to make a good impression on her can be bought with money; it is rather the inner qualities, or the right physical appearance (Body Language , Personal Hygiene good start &  Personal hygiene first impression, Clothing. Without these things, you will have fewer chances with her, and giving her gifts will only make it worse. The rule is: the only gift that counts on the first date is everything that makes a man appear to be a real man. A purchased gift, whether flowers or something else that you intend to impress her with, will only prove to work against you.

The only exception is on the second, third or fourth date, when you have got to know her and are meeting her again. In this case you can bring something with you, but definitely not flowers, jewellery, chocolates or other “romantic” stuff. The best is something small and funny, ideally related to something that has happened on a previous date together, and most importantly, it should be something that costs little or nothing and certainly does not look as if you are trying to impress her, convince her or winning her over.

“Look what I’ve found at Wal-Mart (you gives her a totally silly, cheap plastic doll with pink floppy hair). It reminded me of you because it has your hairstyle!” The woman in question should of course have very beautiful hair and the right sense of humour. With a gift like that the man is proving his own sense of humour, his self-awareness, etc., and by giving her the doll also shows indirectly that he has thought about her.

I will again refer to the article “What Men Really Want!” because that is exactly what men really want - on the first date, on the second date and elsewhere in their relationships with women. A woman who matches exactly these points is valued highly by the man and basically makes everything right. Of course there are completely different interpretations for each point as to what is right or wrong. Especially regarding those relating to inner qualities. Young and healthy looks are always understood the same way: well-dressed and made-up, ideally not overweight, with beautiful hair, etc., and ideally also truly young and healthy, of course.

On the first date, it obviously is important to show these qualities very clearly and accurately, i.e. in this particular case, you should take great care with your looks. If you are not quite clear on how to go about this, there is help to be got practically anywhere: at the hairdresser’s, the perfume shop/pharmacy, the clothing store, the fitness club, etc.; there are professionals available everywhere to help a woman to improve her appearance.

If the externals are right, then you can also support them by mentioning, for instance, that you are a sporty person who cares for body and health, that you like pampering yourself. This is the verbal support to prove what you are showing with your good looks. This is absolutely appropriate and will not be perceived as negative. Some women certainly ask themselves: what if I do not look so great? The solution is very simple: every woman can improve her appearance yet a little more. The same tip also applies for men: If someone is too fat, not sporty, malnourished, etc., he/she has to do something about it!

And so we come to the inner qualities. “Faithfulness” and “good maternal qualities” are of course a matter of interpretation, but it is quite clear how a woman can show these:  she is considerate and gladly takes care of the man, showing clear and open interest in him and his life, tries to actively take part of it showing that she would like to act as the support of his life. The whole thing can be backed by verbal stories, about how she has already done that in a previous relationship, or what she wishes for in her life.

A great secret for women who want to lead a good relationship with a man is the following: Men always want to make women happy, and the easier this is achieved, the more satisfied they are with the woman herself and the relationship they have with her. This means that a woman who shows that she is truly and credibly happy with (and because of) a man is the ideal partner and has therefore an extremely attractive effect on men.